Something dawned on me today. God is working on a stronghold in my life that I didn’t realize was a problem.
I mean, come on. Is self-sufficiency really all that bad? So I’m a little independent! I’ve always liked that about myself – strong, capable, proud Yankee. If it’s out there, I can do it (unless it’s Math or tanning, but I’ve made my peace with that).
So I handled every detail of the wedding myself. Yeah? And?
So I feel like it’s not worth doing if I can’t be instantly good at it and show off. Your point?
So I had a hard time (did I say “had”? I mean “have”…) a hard time learning to be a team player in marriage. No big stink, right?
God’s wisdom surpasses my stubborn will. And for that I am very thankful.
How is He doing this, you ask? Through my children! Only a wise and loving God would use my beautiful treasures, my exhasperating and exhausting and wonderful, incredible boys to teach me the tough lessons I refuse to learn.
I found myself envying women who don’t have to use any form of birth control. Yes, they’re out there – ladies whose children naturally and almost methodically appear every 2-3 years. At first I thought, we’re just extremely fertile. Be that as it may, the woman with a more socially acceptable offspring spacing than mine is just as fertile as me. She has kids.
But why are some women able to rely on God for the nice spacing and I can’t?
Because I have control issues.
I was thinking, “Wow! God just plans out their families for them. Lucky.” Ahem.
Anyone else see the problem with my thinking?
God DID plan out our family for us. This IS His spacing. We ARE fertile, but my faith is not. Two boys 15 months apart is God’s spacing for us. If I have a problem with that, I ought to take it up with Him.
And really, I don’t. I love that our boys will be close growing up.
What I’m realizing is that God is using this experience to force me to ask for help – His and others’. I cannot be an island anymore, not to the doctor’s office, the fair, or some days even the backyard.
I need help.
And it BURNS ME to have to ask for it. I think God just smiled. It dawned on me this week that unless I allow other people to assist me and admit that I’m not supermom, I’ll never go out anywhere or do anything. Worse, much much worse – I won’t gain what God offers me through this experience.
And I don’t want to miss anything He gives. After all, He’s the giver of good gifts. I just look at my boys for proof! They’re a blessing I don’t deserve and I can never thank Him enough for them.
Just hafta keep this verse in mind:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
This proud New England mama can bend the knee and ask for help. God’s first, and others’ too. According to God’s Word, if I’m going to be proud about anything, it ought to be that I’m a big lame-o who desperately needs His help! 🙂
Maybe then I’ll know His grace on a deeper level and feel His power firsthand. What a story! What an adventure! What a calling. Thank You, God, for working on me and not giving up your work in my heart.